Bonus Year No. Two
Some thoughts on love...
Today marks the completion of my second bonus year.
I have been watching this date get closer and closer on my calendar, with each day bringing a mix of gratitude and pressure.
One thing I’ve realized is that this anniversary falls within a season that is much more welcoming of reflection than the traditional end of year, which is a lovely gift. I’ve never been one for New Year’s Celebrations nor Resolutions.
April 22, though…is so different from the short, cold, and tired days of winter. Today, Evangelina’s garden continues to come back from its dormancy. Especially so after the past few days of rain. Over the last few weeks, I have often seen a carload, bursting with plants from her favorite garden stores in Austin sitting in our driveway as she rebuilds a new part of our yard.
It is much easier to look back within a season that is bursting with growth.
I’m not going to re-tell the story of my heart attack. You can read those details here. I will, however, take the time to once again share the importance of listening to your body and not waiting if you think something is off. There is a reason so many fatal heart attacks are a surprise to everyone…the signs can be incredibly subtle. Mine definitely were.
My cardiologist told me after my successful stent procedure that coming into the hospital that the decision to come in was the smartest decision I have ever made in my life. I am careful to not let this moment become part of my identity.
It was a simple decision that saved my life and the one that allowed me to spend another year here learning about and creating more for this world. And, as difficult as this world can seem, I am even more convinced today that creating beauty within it is one of the keys to making it better.
I have spent the majority of this last year in the middle of change, struggle, and growth. I have forced much of it upon myself because when I left the hospital two years ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to wait on the things that I wanted to try. I wasn’t going to wait for the right moment to create new work or to build a new version of my own creative world.
I have noticed that the work I have been most drawn to are the books, films, and art that force me to think about moving through a world that centers love and humanity, and creativity.
I know the idea of love is the base of all the things we are all searching for. The thing we want and need most. We want it from our family, from our friends, from our mentors, from those that inspire us, from the art we connect with, and from the stories we share.
In the moments when we have clarity, it is so simple. Other times it can be so much more difficult to engage with, hiding behind layers and boundaries and making it inaccessible without a struggle.
We all know what being within the beauty of our world does for our bodies and our souls. A feeling that we will always look to come back to. Even within a world that can be filled with ugliness, and a seemingly insurmountable level of destruction, it is not a distraction to look for love. We can continue to cede our world to those with the worst instincts, or we can burden ourselves to create the reality we all deserve. A world centering our shared humanity, one that our neighbors, both here and abroad deserve as much as each of us.
I will continue to believe that a world of creation and love is possible, because I don’t want to live these extra years I have been given without the knowledge that we are going to build that new world for ourselves.
I have my own set of limitations when it comes to sharing my emotions and my love in real time…in real life. I still struggle with letting myself relax enough so that I can feel love the way I did two years ago, as I sat in a hospital bed with the calmness of knowing clearly what things matter versus the things that are meaningless in our broader timeline. I was able to feel that, to know that because my world, and my family’s world was saved by the care and knowledge of a hospital staff trained to fix my heart, as they have done with countless others.
I know that the reason I spend so much of my time thinking about and creating my art is that my work will always be the easiest way for me to share my love for this world and for those I love.
Late last year, while I was still in France, I began a list in a notebook listing the various ways that I am able to express my love and I wanted to share that list with you as I celebrate today. It also serves as my own reminder for me to do more of these things more often.
Sharing my cooking is sharing my love
Sharing how you inspire me is sharing my love
Sharing that I’m thankful for you is sharing my love
Sharing my thoughts is sharing my love
Sharing my excitement is sharing my love
Sharing my concerns for the world is sharing my love
Sharing my hope for the world is sharing my love
Sharing my work is sharing my love
Thank you for sharing this. Your work -- and your writing -- are inspiring.
The thing that's landed in my own year of underworld journeying- is that one of the hardest lessons to learn about sharing love (at lest for me) has been that it is creating space for you, the proverbial you- to be exactly who you are without my attempts to mold or nudge or judge or rescue- and to not look away in the process. To show up whole heartedly for the whole shebang, warts and all. It's fucking hard. But it's love, subtle and powerful.